What's your favorite color? Part II

I realize it took me a while to continue the part II of the cop story. In all honesty, I didn't want to write about someone I was seeing. I guess I felt like I might be jinxing myself if I wrote more about this Officer Bad Ass. But, since it's over I guess I can continue on. But, I wont. Yeah I know, what a bitch move. The approach I was originally going to take is completely different on what I'm going to do now. So here it goes, lets air out the dirty laundry, shall we?

I believe texting has ruined the idea of dating. No, I'm serious. It's kind of like instant mashed potatoes, it's good for a quick on the go kind of thing, but you want the real deal on thanksgiving when it matters. That's exactly how I look at texting with dating. It's the quick, easy way to communicate without taking the time to use that thing we call a voice.

The reason I'm bringing this up is because that's the only way Officer Bad ass and I communicated and it's what basically made me cut the cord.

I'll admit to anyone, I was no perfect being in this "courtship" and would say some stupid things before thinking. I blame it on being nervous, which rarely ever happens with me. (The nervous part, not the saying something stupid.)

For instance, picture this: It's our first date. We're in a little cafe downtown that he swore was a hidden secret of Cleveland and we just ordered our food. I'm sitting there twiddling my thumbs, wishing it wasn't 1030 in the morning and I could get some vodka with my eggs without looking like a lush. (No, I'm not an alcoholic but everyone knows one drink loosens your nerves on a first date. But, if you go past a third drink, it loosens a little more than just your nerves.) There it creeps up upon us, the awkward moment of silence. I hate awkward moments of silence almost as much as I hate belly buttons and Jennifer Lopez's voice. So, naturally I put on my imaginary Wonder Woman cape and tried to save the situation. But, he beat me to it.

"So, tell me more about yourself" he says.

I was really not wanting to talk anymore, I needed a break. My throat was getting dry and the waitress didn't believe in refilling my glass of water. He was asking me question after question, I felt like I was on trial. But, then again he is a police officer. I was going to ask him a question. Yep, that's what I decided to do. I wanted to ask him something that would take a while for him to answer, something that didn't bring up the fact that I had two unpaid parking tickets in my glove compartment, something he had to think about, something that would make him sit down and ponder about it for hours when he gets home...

Here comes the word vomit:

"So, what's your favorite color?"

I sat there and bit my tongue. Was I all of sudden 12 again? Somebody strangle me with my old training bra and gag me with a fruit roll up from the school cafeteria. At that moment I just wanted to yell "waitress, check please!"

Luckily a smirk appeared on his face and he softly said "blue..."

Well, where the hell can you go from there? Either you talk a.) about your favorite color as well (like he gives a shit), b.) continue with asking him if he was an animal what would he be (I'm sure he would have picked Lion. He's all about power...he is a cop.) or c.) just make fun of yourself. I chose the C route.

"Well, that's a very important question. Just to prepare you, I'm going to ask you your favorite number when there's another moment of silence like that."

After the brunch with no vodka we headed back to his new ford explorer and I made another boo-boo...

In my defense, I have never had someone open a car door for me. I'm not used to it. It never happened in my past chapters of dating.

So, I'm strolling along in my heels, heading to the passenger side and I do what most people do when they reach a door, I open it.

Now, sometimes I'm not the most observant Harriet the Spy in the room, so I had no idea Officer Bad Ass was right behind me.

Right when he was behind the door ready to be a gentleman, I opened the car door in a dramatic quick matter and knocked him right smack dab on his head.

What do I do when I have no idea on how to act? I giggle, which then followed by a sorry later. Where was that damn training bra and fruit roll up?

Well, after the couple oops on my part, he actually continued on talking to me and asked for a second date despite the bruise that appeared on his forehead from my door accident.

Let me just state this, Officer Bad Ass is without a doubt one of thee best looking guys I have ever planted my eyes on, so I naturally agreed to another second date. It was hard to judge the whole chemistry part with a first date and all the crazy nerves, so I just relied on one certainty: I was attracted to him like whoa.

Here comes the texting part:

He texted me every day after that. Which I didn't mind at first. They were cute, funny, and good for when I needed a distraction. But I'm not going to lie, I wanted a phone call. Just one.

So one early morning at my internship at the radio station, I'm talking to my fellow interns and hear my phone go off. They both immediately started making fun of me about this mysterious officer that they casually heard about. I looked down and we texted the usual, what's going on with us, he missed me, blah blah blah. And then he started telling me what I do to him when he thinks about me...I'm not going to complain about this. He's a guy, if there wasn't some kind of sexual innuendo thrown into a conversation I would honestly be surprised. And then he asks...

"Do you want to see it?"

1.) You're on duty, why are you getting a chubby in your patrol car? Is your partner George next to you? 2.) There is no female on the face of the earth that finds a penis attractive that they want a photo sent to their phone. Now, my best friend will argue with me and say but at least you'll have an idea on what you could be working with. Yeah, I guess. But honest to god, my phone is already small enough...if I was a guy I wouldn't want to take the chance on it looking even smaller on some chicks screen. 3.) The penis and the vagina are not something that are pretty neat-o to look at. 4.) It's a photo you're going to send me. Sending a picture of your dick to someone is like sending a photo of a vacation you went on without them. The person who's looking at the photo can only really appreciate it when they're actually there in person.

Needless to say things didn't work out with Officer Bad Ass and I. I think he was hurt that I wasn't jumping for joy about the picture of his junior.

So in closing I'll leave you with these few statements:

1.) He probably knows about my unpaid parking tickets, after he most likely checked my record at work.

2.) I hated his choice of color. Blue, typical answer.

3.) After his lame idea to send me a picture of his dick, I should at least get a courtesy card out of it. Come on now!

xox

hotto

What's your favorite color? Part One

There are a few things I cannot stand in this world: 1.) Belly buttons - and don't even get my started on the thoughts of belly button lint. 2.) Nickelback - who can love a band who's songs all sound the same and their lead singer looks like a cracked out cocker spaniel? 3.) Brendan Fraser's acting skills - if you even try to argue me on this one and bring up his role in Encino Man or George of the Jungle, then your name will appear on this list as well. 4.) Animal print Lingerie - Because zebras and cheetahs are such sexy animals?!? and 5.) First Dates - it's like a job interview except you wear a pair of your prettiest panties.

Yes, I despise first dates. It could possibly be due to the fact that Ive had many bad experiences with them or that I have a slight problem in dealing with change. I've dealt with many lame jokes, lame sexual innuendos, lame guys...just lame in general. However, my most recent date...well, I'm not gonna lie, the tables were turned. I was the lame one.

I really don't get nervous. It's not a word brought up in my vocabulary very often. But, before this date I was. I wouldn't go as far as saying I was as nervous as O.J. on trial...but, I would at least say I was as nervous as Paris Hilton in court. You know the kind, like it's probably going to turn out okay in the end, but still the thought that something could go wrong along the way is a slight concern. But, either way you're blonde at the end of the day, so the day is not gonna suck that bad for you.

Let me first off by explaining how I met this guy. I was working for the radio station in downtown Cleveland for the Indian's opening day and there were tons of Cleveland sports fans everywhere. Which basically meant there were a lot of drunken assholes roaming the streets and tons of cops trying to control them.

I was down to my last hour handing out promotional flyers when a cop car pulled up and parked on the street. I wasn't a bit pleased. I knew they were going to ruin my groove. Everyone knows cops are the biggest party poopers known to man kind - except for the pope and my mother. I ignored them walking toward my direction, until I caught view of the one officer. Sound the "Bow chicka bow wow" music, he was beyond gorgeous. He had an all American look about him. Okay and the uniform he was sporting didn't hurt either. Still, I acted like I wasn't phased by his presence and continued with what I was doing.

He finally was positioned right next to me, standing with his arms crossed, trying to come off as Officer Bad Ass. "Nice day, huh?" he casually asked. I looked over and mumbled "Yeah, guess so."

By this time I was getting frustrated that no drunken people wanted a flyer from me. I mean why be in such a rush to go to your nice baseball seats when you can have a white piece of paper with some words on it that don't mean shit to you?!

I believe at that moment I had groaned to myself, when I all of a sudden heard a male voice blurt out "God, you suck at this."

"Um, excuse me?"

"I said, you suck at this. Who fails at handing out flyers? Well, you are blonde...never mind."

I just stared at him for what seemed like four hours. I was intrigued, impressed, pissed, and shocked that Officer Bad Ass actually said that to me.

My response? "Well, you sure aren't any help standing next to me. Everyone knows people avoid the area where cops are hanging out at. Shouldn't you be eating a donut or something instead of irritating me?"

Who would have thought that statement would have landed me a date?

And that's where it all began...

(to be continued)

XoX

Hotto