Some people crochet to pass the time, others may listen to their ipod when they have some minutes to burn, or possibly even take a nap when they're bored. I on the other hand am different. Are you surprised? Of course you're not. When I'm bored I go in my car, grab a friend and go to a random place. Last week I went to a sex store with a friend just to talk to the person that works there. Come on, everyone knows anyone that works at that kind of store is usually fucked up. You may think I have too much time on my hands to do this random shit, but I actually have a busy schedule and find time to fit a little random with a dash of WTF in my life. It's what I live for, the craziness that life has to offer you. Oh, and by the way that sex store has a hidden room in the back for random people off the streets who want to have orgies...No lie and I didn't participate in one. But, it pays to be friendly to people because you find out the hidden scoop. I've always been the one to do dares without really questioning what the outcome could be. I realize this isn't the safest way to go and I have a lot of scars resulting from this thinking but it sures makes for a fun time. My friends quit offering me money to do a dare because they found out that I'll most like do it for free. I do have boundaries, thank you. Nothing involving children, pets, or sticking a foreign object in mine or anybody else's body part.
So, when a good friend of mine, whom we'll call Zoey dared me to apply at a Japanese Massage Parlor - I didn't even blink. In fact, the funny thing was is I was actually thinking about wanting to do that just to see what was behind the doors. I swear, I should have went into investigative journalism.
As we were driving in downtown Warren Zoey mentioned it to me and all she had to say were three simple words and I was all for it - "I dare you"
I have turned down some dares that I have been challenged to do. Some how being front row at a acoustic concert and shouting "Fuck (insert lead singer;s name here) didn't seem quite worth the story I could tell at a dinner.
So, there I was looking for a massage parlor in downtown Warren. If you know Warren, you know it didn't take long to find one. Massage parlors are like taxi cabs in New York City, it's a rarity not to see one every 25 steps you take while walking.
It was about three in the afternoon and I had on the normal attire like I always do: heels, big hair, and red lipstick. I had to make sure the twins were pushed up, otherwise I didn't think they would let me through the door. Hey, they give out happy endings there not practice questions for Jeopardy.
So, I finally got the imaginary balls to get out of my car and head to the door. Next door to the parlor was a shady looking convenient store with the cliche dirty smelly cat strutting around a broken pay phone and a man with the same characteristics of the cat sitting on the curb smoking a cigarette butt he found on the ground. I felt like I needed to put on a short leopard dress, tease my hair up high, re name myself Tiffany, and see what offers I could get on the corner of the street. I will take nothing less than what my mascara costs, boys!
So I opened the door and looked back at Zoey sitting in the car, ducking her head down. To my surprise there was another door inside the door I had already open...does that make sense? The space was small, off white walls with a dirty yellow tint, a door bell placed on the wall next to the other locked door, and a handy dandy video camera. I rang the door bell, straightened up my posture and smiled into the camera. For a place that relies on horny men to oay to get a "massage" they sure did take a while to answer the door, I thought to myself. Finally the door opened barely and my stomach felt topsy turvy.
The smell that escaped as soon as the door was slightly open, smelled like a combination of sex and left over rice. I wish I was exaggerating. I can still smell this in my nostrils when I think about it.
A little head popped from behind the door. Try to imagine an Asian looking lady with bright hot pink lipstick, yellow teeth with several spot of the lipstick on them, a slight mustache, and a bright yellow streak in her greying black hair - that is what I was looking at. I was hoping she was not the most popular female at this joint or else they would be going out of business soon.
Okay, Hotto...put on your best smile, push out the girls and find a way to weasel your way in there.
"Hiiiii, my name is Wendy Matthews. I just moved here from Maryland, have my Massage therapist license and was hoping you are hiring." (insert cheesy smile)
She stared at me for what seemed like forever, just staring at me, looking me up and down with elevator eyes. I think I felt more violated by how she was looking at me than I have when I went to a truck stop diner.
In her broken English she said "You work at place like this before?"
I took a deep breath, smiled and said "of course" noticing that she did not move the door one bit. I couldn't see anything passed her.
She continued to stare at me for a few more minutes and continued some more.
She rubbed her dainty little ear and plainly said "I be back" and closed the door in my face.
Oh great! I found the female Asian version of the Terminator, I thought to myself.
I was tempted to just turn around and leave, stick a sticky note on one of the thousand doors they have at the parlor and inform them that their windows were dirty and could use a little "wash on, wash off" and flee outta that area that was throbbing the words "ghetto" and "murder."
But, then the door once again slightly opened and there were two Asians heads peeking behind the door. If I was a man, I would assume this is how a lot of Asian pornos start. The other one was the younger version of the Asian Terminator. Now they were both giving me the elevator eyes and were talking in their language to each other.
I hated being talked about by girls, now I had two girls talking about me right in front of my face that I couldn't fucking understand. Perfect.
"What your name again?" The Terminator whispered.
"Wendy" I simply answered. (Why the hell I came up with the name Wendy, I'll never know.)
They both looked at each other, the younger one nodded and they opened the door.
I felt like I was being aloud to enter the rice and blow job version of Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. I was getting the behind the scene action, bitch!
The smell of rice and sex became stronger as I entered the foggy area and I felt like I was going to be sick to my stomach. The lights were dimmed down low, I assumed they did this so no one could see that terminator was sporting a Tom Selleck stache.
They motioned me to sit on the love seat by the desk. I was thanking god I had leggings on, thinking that maybe they use the love seat when all the beds were filled up. Who knows what I could get on my legs. Those leggings went in the garbage when I got home.
As they were going through papers on the dusty desk, I casually looked at my surroundings. There were eight doors closed in a hallway with red lights outside each one, every single one was lit up. I assumed that's where the massages happened and all were occupied, considering there were quite a bit of cars in the back and no one was at the convenient store getting a watered down slurpee with a side of disease.
As I glanced at the 1995 mandarin magazines on the filthy coffee table, I noticed the bobsy twins approaching me.
"You work at place like this before?" asked the younger girl.
Okay, Hotto...think of something good, so they'll believe you. Oh, who are you kidding? All they're paying attention to is how much your tits are hanging out and how wide your mouth opens when you speak. Just emphasis on things they want to hear.
"Yes, the last place I worked at was just like this. It was a pleasure working for them. I'm so happy you guys are interviewing me. It's been a while since I met somebody this nice since I moved here from Maryland."
"You liked the customers, yes?" Smiled the Terminator STILL sporting the hot pink lipstick on her teeth.
"Oh yes, the gentlemen, I mean everyone was very nice to me." (insert cheesy grin here)
"Ohhhh hahahahaha" went the bobsy twins. You would have thought I was Jackie Chan on stand up.
"You start right away? You're pretty girl. I love your blonde hair." the younger girl gushed with excitement.
I told her I could start now if she wanted me to...I couldn't believe I said that, I was hoping they would vote for tomorrow - so I wouldn't have to come up with a lame excuse that I have jaw lock or sneeze when small objects are by my face.
She thankfully voted I start the following week and asked to leave my name and number.
"WENDY MATTHEWS (Insert Number of girl I really dislike.)"
Yay, I was accepted into the massage parlor world. Take that, bratty girl on playground who teased me when I was in the 2ND grade and said I couldn't play with her and her friends because they didn't like me. Psh, I have Asian whores that like me, you brat.
As I stood up to walk over to the desk, I saw a man walk out of a room that the red light was no longer lit. He adjusted his clothing and walked our way to the exit.
"Oooh, Harry. We will have new girl working next week." explained the Terminator.
Harry was old. Not grandfather clock old that he needed the blue pill but old enough that he could pass with flying colors if a child took him to school for "grandparent's day."
Harry looked at my goods and said "Bout time you got a new girl in here, Suz."
...Apparently Suz was the Terminator's name. And yeah, if I was Harry I would hope new girls would come in too, the terminator's stache looks like it would tickle the pickle a little.
"Well, sir I'm looking forward to working with you." I said, trying hard not to laugh.
I said my goodbyes to the bobsy twins hoping I wouldn't see them at a local restaurant and explain why "Wendy" never came back.
So, in conclusion I leave you with these statements:
1.) Zoey said she was ready to call the cops with how long I was gone for and I felt like I smelled like sex and rice the next three days
2.) If you ever go by there and think the convenient store is dirty I got news for you...the girls next door are dirtier.
3.) And unlike that parlor this story ends in no "happy ending"
XoX
Hotto
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