Weed, Wine, Willie Nelson and Without a Credit Card.

Call me crazy, but I have standards. I'm not saying you have to follow a strict list in order to accompany me. But, I don't settle. At all. I'm selective with the shoes I put on my feet, let alone who I spend my time with. Some deal breakers that have taken guys to the back of the line for Hottoworld?

1.) Leaving your toenail clippings on my bed. There is this great thing called a trash can...use it.

2.) Still living with your ex. You can tell me till your blue in the face that it has to do with financial issues...she has kids...she pays most of the rent. I call bullshit on that. You have her as a side of vagina when you're bored...nextttt.

3.) Fish kisser. No explanation needed, Nemo.

4.) Wearing a blue tooth on a date. Unless you're a doctor on call or President Obama who could be paged at any moment that aliens are attacking the White House, you're not THAT important or famous to have that stupid ear piece on.

5.) Or this guy I'm about to write about...

I will warn you before I continue, that this was a true date from hell. But, you can judge for yourself.

Okay, here it goes...

This guy? Well, we'll call him...Phil. Yeah, that's a good name.

So, I'm not gonna lie, I was at a popular bar around this area with friends and it kind of happened with meeting him. This is not a regular tradition of mine nor do I recommend it to others. Now, I realize there are always exceptions with dating someone you meet at the bar. I know couples who have normal marriages who met there. But, I myself, wouldn't recommend it. With dim lighting, alcohol involved, and the Cupid Shuffle playing on the jukebox, it screams "no good."

I had a shitty day that day, feeling as if nothing was going my way and Phil with his imaginary cape on flew on over and saved the day. He didn't make me laugh, which now that I look back on it, why did I agree to go on a date with him? That's one of the most important factors in my eyes. If you can't have fun with someone, than whats the point? But, he had excellent taste in music - which is a big star on the chart. He was absolutely adorable -bonus. And he was almost a physical therapist - so he had some smarts about him. After the exchanging of numbers and the promise that I would actually pick up when he called, we went our separate ways.

After three days, yes three days, he called (Men, what is with that rule?) and asked if I wanted to go out on a Friday night. I agreed to it, thinking that he seemed like someone I would like to get to know better.

So, we agreed to meet at his apartment building and he offered to drive to the restaurant. As I arrived in the parking lot, he greeted me with a smile, standing by his new sports car. Compliments were said to each other on how the other one looked and we drove off to our destination.

As he drove us to the restaurant, I was reminded how good looking he was. Not just "yeah, he's a looker" but more like a "turn my head to look at him again" kind of guy. We continued our conversation on our similar interests in music and then he turns up the CD he had put in his cd player earlier. Sailing by Christopher Cross began to play through the speakers. After going through this date, I turn the channel when this song comes on.

Well, the car ride was enjoyable and we had arrived at our destination. It was a nice Italian restaurant that was in one of the bigger cities by us and I was thinking this date had some great potential...although, it was only 830pm, a little too early to start assuming.

As we sat down, we ordered our drinks and continued with conversation. I'm not exactly sure how the topic of fruit came up but then the mention of boxers came out of nowhere from him. Okay, fine. I can handle the subject of boxers. Where will this go? The discussion of the difference between boxers and boxer briefs? That tightie whiteys cut off the circulation to his man hood? That Justin Timberlake is coming out with a new line of under-roos? No. He proceeds to tell me has a pair of boxers with the word "big banana" on them. (insert the sound of crickets beginning to chirp) ...I shrugged it off, laughed a little to get rid of the awkwardness and threw in a "where the hell did you find a pair like that?" He laughed and responded with "I really don't know. My mom got them for me." (insert me waiting for him to say 'just kidding' and then me choking on a piece of Italian bread I was eating when he didn't.) Waitress, we're going to need some more wine and someone to call the producer of Jerry Springer...

After I tried to overlook the Mother comment earlier, our appetizers arrived. However, Mister Phil thought he should inform me that he has a high gag reflex and can't put too much food in his mouth at once. Then why the hell did he stuff three stuffed mushrooms in his mouth? Well, if I was a guy toting a dick between my legs after hearing that confession about the high gag reflex...our date would have ended right there. Just sayin...

As the conversation moved on to him telling me who is the most underrated baseball player of all time in his opinion, a man who looked like a stunt double of Zach Galifiankis appeared at our table and to be honest I thought he was the bus boy about to take Gag boy's empty plate away. Thankfully I didn't hand him a plate because it turned out to be Phil's old roommate from college who stopped by to see his girlfriend who worked back in the kitchen.

After they went through a little reminiscing about the old freshmen days, frat parties, and Phil waking up with a blowup doll in his bed after one crazy night, I assumed that Zach junior would go back to his car, cave, bench, where ever it is that he came from and let us continue. Wrong.

He brought a chair up to the table, making it feel like a Threes Company episode and whispered to Phil that he had some really good weed in his van, better than the weed they smoked at Tommy Sumner's party in '05.

Well, isn't that a great FYI? And then the invitation to smoke it in his van with him while we wait for our food was offered.

'Go in a van with a stranger?' I thought. Well gee whiz, offer me some candy and the promise that I can pet your lost dog when we find it while you're at it. Psh, lame.

I looked at Phil thinking real hard. I could hear the Jeopardy theme song playing in my head. Time is running out. Give your RSVP. Phil finally spoke and said "Man, I haven't smoked in forever. I'll only do it, if my girl agrees to do it too."

Hey Gag boy, my name is Haley Jane.

All of a sudden all eyes were on me, shine the spotlight. I felt like I was back to being one of the top finalists in the spelling bee in the 4th grade and I spelled the word Accelerator wrong.

My answer? "No, I'm good."

Now, let me just get this straight. I have no problem with people who choose to smoke weed. Their choice and there's worse things they could be doing. But, it wasn't my bag and frankly I didn't find it attractive for a first date.

By giving that answer I assumed there was no way he was going to agree to do it on our first date. No way in hell. Guess what? I was wrong. I need to quit assuming evidently.

I sat there at the table alone...by myself...solo...table for one...while Cheech and Chong got baked in an imitation Scooby Doo van. I felt pissed off at myself for not driving myself to the restaurant so I could have a getaway car, Zach junior for leaving his cave and interrupting our dinner, Phil for his lame high gag reflex and leaving me here alone, and Tommy Sumner for having such good weed in '05.

30 minutes went by and Phil finally came back to the table, smelling like Skunk and looking like he partied at a Willie Nelson Concert. I was not amused. At all.

After eating his dinner, some of mine, and making it known to me that he wished he had more. I was beyond annoyed with him and was very happy to see the check placed on the table. Checks on a bad date are like a light at the end of the tunnel - a feeling of relief and hope to get the hell out of there.

I was planning on paying for my half of the bill. I'm not one of those girls that just expects the guy to pay for it. But, Gag Boy realized he didn't have enough money to even cover his half of the check and conveniently couldn't find his card. Righhht. I secretly hoped he got sick from all the fucking food he ate...that I payed for.

I paid while Phil went to the men's restroom, our waiter asked why I was on a date with someone like him. I questioned the same thing.

I was ready to go, leave that joint, go to my car, and head home. Alone.

I went back to the table, waiting for Phil and getting my purse together. He came back still smelling like skunk and said he was full. ....Yeah, full of shit.

I gathered my belongings and was silent on the car ride back to my car. I think it was obvious to him and he tried to lighten the mood with singing Queen into his lighter that he probably used in the Scooby Doo van.

At last, we were to the parking lot of his apartment and the moment I saw my car I was ready to flee that scene. He parked and turned off the car and moved his body towards me. I noticed the doors were still locked and decided I wasn't going to wait until he unlocked them and did it myself and got out of the car. He looked confused. Almost like he couldn't understand what was going on or where I was going. As I walked towards my car, I heard him shout "You want to come up to my apartment?" ...my reply? "You've got to be fucking joking."

Now, usually this is where the post would end. But, that isn't the end of the story. The very next day I realized I couldn't find my card. I searched in my car, my purse, my wallet, my driveway. Nowhere. I called the card company to cancel my account. The day after, I got a call from the company saying someone had found it in a parking lot and there were attempts to use it after it got cancelled. The parking lot it was in? Gag Boy's work parking lot.

I could look on the bright side of things and say "Well, he could have found it in his car and was going to contact me about it and then dropped it himself." Or I could be a realist and think that he was the one that tried to charge some things on the card since it was found in his work parking lot. I guess it really depends if you see the glass half full or half empty. After that episode someone just needs to fill the rest of the glass with vodka so I can drink it.

So, in conclusion I leave you with this...

1.) I always take my own vehicle when going on a date now.

2.) I've seen our waiter at the school I attend and he said how he wished I would have kicked Phil.

3.) Phil could never be a gay male with his high gag reflexes and I'm sure the dentist hates him.

4.) I still dislike Tommy Sumner.

xox
Hotto