The Bride of Chucky and Paint on My Shoes Part 3

So, there I was. Walking off the bus and skipping along the pavement looking for my evil mini-me. I apologized to my heels, begging them to forgive me for the predicament I put them through. Paint my heels?!? Pfft. They could have been hurt and ruined for life. I mean, I know what it takes to get white stains out of a black dress. I mean, err, I've heard. Ya know, because Monica Lewinsky had a convention on it a few years back. But, I had no idea how to get those kind of stains off cloth based Steve Madden heels. The horror. Walking around with crusty heels?!!? I really don't want to talk about this anymore...


So there I was humming and skipping, looking in mailboxes, vending machines, trash cans, microwaves, and beer bins, thinking if I was a little person trying to hide from someone I would hide in all the sneaky places that I could fit in. I imagine little people can be very clever when they want to be.


I probably searched for a good hour. No lie. I, of course, was by myself on this journey. Amber was off sucking face with a drummer she had known for three years. And there I was, asking the custodians in the bathrooms if they've seen someone like me, but only like 3 feet tall and meaner. And when I demonstrated how tall with my hand she was, it probably measured out to be about 1 ft. 6 inches and not 3 feet. ...Moral of that story, they all thought I was drunk or high on something. No one had seen the notorious blonde munchkin I had told everyone about . I was beginning to think she was a mirage. But, Edison didn't give up when the light bulb didn't light up the first time, right? Right. Tally-ho...


So, I decided to make a pit stop at my friend's tour bus, where I figured Pee Wee wouldn't be. Pee Wee had his own bus, probably doing "artistic" things in. I needed air conditioning. It's a proven fact that you can't think rationally in humid conditions, especially when your hair gets all curly after it took an hour and a half to straighten it. I also needed rest and to map out a plan on a napkin. I needed to strategize. I walked on the bus and I was the only person on there. Even the bus driver was gone. I'd be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind how sweet it would be to steal a bus, drive across country, and invite the strangest people you can find and then drop them off in New Mexico with a case of water and a feather boa for each person. Survival of the fittest.


So, I sat on one of the couches, got a napkin off their table, and searched for a pen in my purse. No pen. No Pencil. No Lip liner. But, I had a white crayon. WTF? How that got in my purse, I'll never know. A white crayon on a white napkin. Everyone knows a white crayon is about as useful as a one armed man clapping in an audience. I ended up using it anyway, pretty much figured I could write something and then later when I needed to read it, trace my fingers along the napkin, like I'm reading Braille. People watching me would be so impressed, they'll start to think "When did McDonald's napkins start writing Braille letters on it. That poor little blind girl still does an excellent on her eye make up. Where's her white cane?!"


So, I began writing other places I could search for her and I drew a map of the venue. The glove compartment on the bus was number one. I hit myself for not looking there to start with. As I was feeling what I wrote, I heard the bus door open up and tons of different voices were shouting and laughing. So much for peace and quiet, I thought. So, I placed my napkin on my lap and waited to see what was going to happen. Men with video cameras started filling up the bus, some of my friends who were in the band were drinking out of bottles and smoking whatever it was they had, and then came the girls. These girls were not the hot girls you think of when you think of backstage stories. These girls were women in their forties with short mini dresses on and saggy boobage. They were not Milfs at all. More like MTNTGBTTKATBTT. Mother's that need to go back to the kitchen and then brush their teeth.


And then after the girl's was Pee Wee. ...Fail with staying away from him. If only he was like Waldo, constantly nowhere in sight unless you look for him. I ignored the 23 people on the bus and started feeling my napkin, realizing I needed to concentrate on my plan, since no one else was interested in helping. Pee Wee stood above me as I was still seated on the couch, staring at my feet. Mark, one of the guitarists for a popular band, sat next to me and put his head on my shoulder, stating how tired and stoned he felt. I continued on feeling my Braille, and all of a sudden I hear someone say "Fuck! I need a napkin or something. I have mustard all over my hand." Mark looks over at the napkin on my lap, grabs it and offers it to the owner of the mustard hand.


My mouth drops open. All of my hard word is covered with someones left over mustard.


"I had a map drawn on that." I blurted out.

Some people turned around to look at me. I think they were hoping it was a treasure map. It was kinda, in my eyes at least, the gold will be the little golden nugget. I thought about lying and telling them there was treasure and then tell them "August Fools" when they found mini-me since it was August and not April.


"A map? There was nothing written on it, Hotto." Mark said.


"Ugh. Yes there was!!" I shouted.


I grabbed the napkin from mustard hand and try to feel my genius plan and show Mark.


He looked confused and exclaimed he saw nothing. I told him to feel the writing. He expressed that I've obviously had gotten too much sun and I need to get some water in my system.


"I'll go get her some water." said Pee Wee walking away.


"No, don't do that. I can get my own water. Shouldn't you be working on an art project in your bus?" I yelled.


He didn't hear me, he had already walked away.


Mark laughed and asked what that was all about.


I didn't feel like explaining the whole story. So, I just told Mark to keep Pee Wee away from preschool classrooms where there was finger painting.


Mark look confused but promised me he would make sure he would keep Pee Wee away from such areas.


Pee Wee showed up with a water. I told him to put it on the table. There was no way I was going to touch anything that was in his hands.

I heard a whistle and one of the camera men said it was time for some action.

UGH! What?! I thought to myself: If they're planning on making a music video while I'm stuck here on this couch without my miniature Hotto, I'm not going to be pleased.

I couldn't see anything that was happening. I was stuck on the couch while there were more and more people coming on the bus watching something.

I continued on sitting there. Mark had fallen asleep on my shoulder. His head felt like an obese toddler you see on Maury's show. My shoulder began to hurt. I flicked him in the nose to wake him up.

"Sleeping Beauty, what's going on over there?"

"Ugh, Hustler magazine is here to shoot some kind of porno that involves bands and groupies. They were here earlier."

So, that explained why I had smelled that stench beforehand.

All I remember was there was a lot of shouting, hooting, hollering, and then the smell of shit and fish filled the bus and people left.

Turns out some of the band members put butt plugs in the old saggy boobed women and one of the women had a little oopsie with a poopsie happening when they did it.

The camera guy ran out of the bus covering his mouth as he puked all over the pavement outside. Mark fell back asleep on my shoulder and I had my head in my top to try and cover up the smell until I could get out of there.

All of us ended outside finally and the one girl who pooed on the table was crying in the bathroom. ...Seriously, after writing that, I need to just have a video camera mounted on a headband and walk around taping stuff like this.

The guy who was in charge was freaking out "I can't use that. I need something to leave with." He looks at Pee Wee "Did you find someone to convince to let you paint their shoes?"

He looked at me. I squinted my eyes and gave him the look my mother gave me when I got a bad grade on my report card.

He looked down at the ground and softly said "No, I didn't."

I walked away from the scene with Mark and told him I was looking for a little person. He knew who I was talking about and told me she should be around later. We headed off to another bus. He wanted to take a nap and I wanted to find another napkin that didn't have mustard on it.

So, we went on another band's bus. Nobody in sight. Now normally this would start a little situation between a guy and a girl alone. Not Mark and I. The first day I met him I told him he reminded me of my oldest brother and he smelled like peppermint patties, we've been "just friends" ever since then.

Mark headed back to one of the bunks and I sat near an aquarium for extra light for my super secret writing. All of a sudden the bus door opened. Again.

There came the camera crew again with new people and the little mini-me. I was so excited. I stood up from when I was sitting...it was an automatic thing to do. You stand up automatically when the president walks in the room, a bride walks down the aisle, and when a little person is smoking a joint in one hand and is holding a beer in another.

My voice all of a sudden heightened really high, like a Disney Princess as I said "Why, Hello there."

...She looked at me and said "You again?" and continued on waddling towards the back.

Pee Wee walked passed me and poked me in my side. I reminded myself to wash that body part extra good.

A guy I semi knew was standing beside me and watching everything. So I asked him "What's going to happen?"

He started to laugh and simply said "Watch."

The only thing I could see was Pee-Wee. My future best friend was nowhere in sight. She was probably hiding in a cupboard since I was near by.

I continued on watching. Pee-Wee dropped his pants. Ugh. I was not impressed by this show and wondered why all the guys were watching him.

Then Pee-Wee dropped his boxer briefs. ...All I can say is I feel bad for him.

I turned my body, not wanting to see where this was going and I started to hear cheering and hooting. So, naturally I turned.

My little friend came out in this cute little corset that was probably made for a bad example doll and had no under-roos on at all. I was a little disturbed, but I automatically started clapping. Everyone stopped and turned around to see the crazy girl clapping and smiling. Friends cheer friends on.

The mini me put her hands on her hips and rolled her eyes, but continued on strutting.

I whispered to the guy next to me: "Well, is she a stripper? And he's going to just play with himself and then..."

And then she was fully nude with nothing but her heels on. She looked like an x rated version of my favorite cabbage patch doll that I used to take everywhere.

All of a sudden, Pee-Wee started introducing his hand to his manhood...

I thought to myself "No, he's not going to...surely he's not...he better not...he could drown her...I'll lose a potential best friend."

So, I shouted "Does anyone have a pen?!"

The camera man shushed me. And there it went Pee-Wee painted my little BFF's heels...well, more like her heels and everything up to her knees.

I was sad to say the least. My dream of running through the daisies, having our own handshake, and dressing a like was all crinkled away by the image of her drenched in Pee-Wee's man juice.

I walked away from the venue with Amber and told her my story. She told me that I was better off and promised me that she would run on her knees through the daisies to make me feel better and she did.

But, it still wasn't the same without her insulting me, smoking a joint, and drinking a beer like the little blonde midget did.

By the way, that scenario is on DVD. I should probably own it since I was there, but I don't. Maybe I'll ask for it for my birthday...

xox

hotto :-)